This blog post is in response to the promt on our Write Bravely Writing Circle group. The prompt for the first week of July is “Where in your life are you craving steadiness right now?”
As twilight settles in, pinned with a thousand stars, my heart and mind begin their familiar dance of dissatisfaction. I go over the day, check the todo list I had made that morning and shake my head in frustration. So many good intentions at the beginning of the day, so much left undone at the end.
And, no it’s not that there was no time, it’s just that I kept on jumping from one idea to another, one task to another, completely losing track of what I originally intended to do.
I long for those long ago evenings when I had no time to think of how “I had failed yet again.” Those days when the house was filled with people. When children’s laughter filled the evening and the presence of my husband at home calmed me down. The very fact that everyone was back home for the night brought a sense of comfort and peace. I felt secure enough to sleep without any worries.
Now though, the house is quiet, the kids in different cities, different countries. No spouse any longer — my nest is empty.
Now, don’t get me wrong, after years of doing things for everyone else, I love the freedom of structuring my days to suit myself.
But the quietness of the evening is no longer soothing. It is an invitation for all the doubts and insecurities to flood my brain. My brain goes on “chaw chaw chaw” and my heart keeps pace. Anxiety drops in to join the party and sleep takes the chance to escape.
Sitting here at the window, with a cup of tea by my side, I wish I could have those evenings again, when the house was full and I was too tired at the end of the day for my thoughts to disturb me.