People often do things for me that they believe are helpful. They think they are expressing love, care, or concern. They step in before I ask. They solve problems I wasn’t trying to solve. They make decisions they think will make my life easier.
But instead of feeling grateful, I often feel stressed. I feel as though they have silently decided that I am incapable of managing on my own. Their kindness, though well-intentioned, leaves me feeling smaller rather than stronger.
For a long time, I thought the problem was theirs. If only they would ask me what I needed instead of assuming they knew.
Then one day, an uncomfortable thought crossed my mind.
Don’t I do exactly the same thing with my mother?
How many times have I taken something out of her hands because I thought it would be easier if I did it? How often have I made decisions for her because I believed I knew what was best? I told myself I was helping. I called it love.
Perhaps she, too, has felt that same quiet frustration—that feeling of being overlooked, of losing a little piece of her independence.
Love is a strange thing. We often give the love we think another person needs, instead of the love they are actually asking for.
Maybe the greatest act of caring is not to rush in with help, but to pause and ask, “What would you like me to do?”
Exactly! I’ve felt the same way when my husband helps me with something I’m already doing—like unloading the dishwasher—instead of doing what I had asked him to do, like vacuuming the bedrooms. It’s a struggle not to get frustrated because he is helping, just not in the way I needed. And it’s an even bigger struggle to explain that to him, because all he sees is the helping part. You’ve explained it so well, Sunita. “What would you like me to do?” really is the best question.
I have leart it the hard way and now I always ask before rushing headlong into what I think is helping.
You can’t always win this one. I feel as you do, Shilpa. But many people I know are overwhelmed by the question or too proud to answer it – they want you to just read their minds, anticipate their needs, and do the thing. But it doesn’t hurt to ask – I think that’s probably the kindest and most respectful approach. And maybe if you get a “Nothing” and respect that, they’ll learn next time to tell you the real answer, if “Nothing” wasn’t it. 😉
Yeah.When they say nothing or say I’m fine, I opt to believe them and leave them alone. Sooner or later , specially with my mom, the phone call comes “Sunita I need you to …”
So true – how we do the very things we can’t stand to other people! Thank you for sharing!
The one question we rarely think of: What would you like me to do?
Your post will remind me to think before rushing in to help thinking it’s love and care, when it could actually be a nuisance for the other person.