The prompt for the first week of August was in our Write Bravely group was : Where in your life are you being called to be gentler, with yourself or with someone else?
This was a tough one and I was almost scared to put words to paper. But here goes.
In the last few decades, I feel I have hurt a lot of people, sometimes by just not being present and sometimes because I wanted an “out” of a situation.
As I started treatment for my mental state of mind, things became clearer, the mind fog lifted and I began remembering things.
Around this time, my daughters too sought therapy and became vocal about the ways I had hurt them or failed them as a mother.
Sometimes the shame I feel at the way I acted and actually lived, in a selfish blur obvious to the others around, is so much that I no longer want to live. I want to remove myself from the equation so that I don’t give myself a chance to hurt people again.
But now, I think, it’s time I gave myself some grace. Yes, I hurt my loved ones but I was young and struggling with undiagnosed mental issues, dealing with the trauma of physical and emotional abuse myself, so I think it’s time I tell my younger self, “I forgive you.”
It’s time to mother myself. Hug myself with love and tenderness and say, “It’s okay baby, you
did your best. You are still loved.”
And it’s also time to look back and see all the things I did right, like introducing my hildren to the world of wonder and magic and imagination. Giving them the courage to confront their own fears and work on themselves. Giving them the freedom to be themselves.
Yes, it’s time I start being gentle towards myself.