In my last blog post, I wrote about the gift I received from my friend Corinne : “The Way of the Fearless Writer” by Beth Kempton.
Though I truly want to read the book and start working on the exercises within, for some reason I am scared to even open the book.
Today, all I have to do is open the book and start reading. But my brain argues,”What if it really makes you start writing again?” and I freeze in fear.
Why am I afraid?
I am afraid of writing what I really want to write about; the anger, the disgust, the helplessness I feel when I see what’s happening around me, both in my immediate surroundings and in the world at large.
Recent happenings in my life have caused me to totally close myself off from the world, so much so that my daughters called for an intervention.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which has nothing borderline about it. If not treated it can have serious repercussions on my emotional state and social interactions.
I am scared that opening myself up to the world of emotions once more will cause those massive mood swings and debilitating anxiety again.
Hand in hand with fear comes ego!
The record plays in my head, “ I do not write as well as my peers. The other bloggers in the group write really well. Their posts get a lot of comments, likes and shares. Mine not so much.”
I am afraid that people don’t want to read what I write about. I know that my family doesn’t. And it hurts.
As I write this, I remember something from my conversation with Corinne. We were talking about who we write for: others or ourselves.
And I realise the best way to beat this fear and ego, is to write just for myself. And that has been so freeing. I’m going to open that book now. I’ll be back with another post on what I found within the pages of the book.
See you till next time. Ciao!
Ah, Sunita. Today, in my Morning Pages, I wondered if my recent posts were all navel gazing! And then I get here and see that I am not alone in this. The honesty and vulnerability of your writing makes me want to write even more. If we don’t share from deep within, how will we truly connect with ourselves or others, no?
Let’s write on – and be ourselves. Love and hugs!
It seems like we all motivate each other. I get the motivation to write from my heart after reading your posts. Your honesty makes me want to be honest and true to myself . And yes, when we share from deep within, we truly connect with ourselves and each other. I feel blessed to have this group of bloggers as my friends and mentors!
What an honest writing, Sunita. We all have these fears living inside us, making their huge mansions, haven’t we? I can relate to both the kind of fears you mentioned here. But every time you type a word in your blog, you are facing those fears and reducing their grip on you. I don’t think that means that the fear would just go away. It never does for me.
Sometimes I feel so silly for posting my jumbled thoughts. Who even wants to read them! But I want to write them anyway. I think that should matter more than anything.
Do not worry about readers, Sunita. A few of us are still around to read what the blogging world has to offer. Your feelings and emotions will find a great outlet through your writings. Please write as you can. ❤️
You are right Vinitha. The fear never goes away. But when you see others also braving the confusion and darkness to write, it opens windows that allows the light to enter into your soul too and that helps so much. I love reading your writing too and look forward to each post from you.
Dear Sunita, I salute you for the brutal honesty with which you describe how you feel about writing and the other emotions that you are dealing with, at the moment. It is tough navigating the times that we are living in, and as someone who feels very enraged by the way things are playing out currently, I can empathise with you completely. It takes a lot of courage to be open and vulnerable to the world and you might consider taking time while you do it. I’m really looking forward to reading your posts because there’s always something unique in them, Sunita. As for the imposter syndrome we are all going through that, in varying degrees. Our writing community has always looked up to you for inspiration, Sunita! Please please never think otherwise. Your powerful hold over the language and the heartfelt honesty in your posts are things we truly admire, so do keep the posts coming.
I pray things settle very soon on the healthfront too and you are back to your element again.
Love & hugs
🙂
Thank you so much, Esha! This made my day. I went around sharing it with everyone; my daughters, my mum. This comment is something I’m going to keep coming back to when motivation is low. Thanks again!