Afraid to accept the good

Today, I finally did it! I got up early, not at 5am, but at 7am, which was good enough.

After a month of struggling to get up at 5am, I decided that 7am would be a more realistic time, and set the alarm accordingly. I did struggle at first, but today, when the alarm rang, I got out of bed and completed the first set of tasks on my morning routine. Then I sat down with a cup of tea and my morning pages, feeling quietly pleased with myself.

I wrote, “Today seems to have got off to a good start.”

My morning pages immediately mocked me. “Seems? Not has got off to a good start?”

Seems. Then it struck me that I had been playing it cautious. Okay, this part of the day is good, but let’s see how it goes as it progresses. (Is there such a thing as cautiously optimistic?)

Why can’t I be assertive in my thoughts too and say, “Yay! The day is good! I’m going to have a great day!”? Why do I look this gift horse, given to me by the universe, in the mouth?

Because I learned to.

I think it began when I was about thirteen. An aunt, my dad’s cousin, was coming to visit. I looked up to her. She was always so well dressed and elegant. Mom cooked up a storm, and I made dessert - a molded blamanche decorated with strawberries. She had promised to stay for dinner.

She came. But when it was time to eat, she told us she was going to another cousin’s house. They were waiting for her.

I begged her to at least taste a little. She said no.

I remember the dessert sitting there afterwards, and how quiet the table was. She had her reasons, I’m sure, and I understand that now. But somewhere in that evening, I learned that it’s safer not to be too happy too soon.

I’ve carried that lesson for a long time. Life has since given me more reasons to be careful when things go well. But I don’t want to live that way. I want to let the good days be good, without waiting for the catch.

I know I can’t unlearn it overnight. Even writing “Yay!” felt a little risky. But noticing it is where it begins.

So before I closed the notebook, I crossed out seems and wrote has.

Today has got off to a good start.