The 10th of October was World Mental Health Day — a day to open up conversations about what it truly means to care for our minds and emotions. Though this post comes a little later, the message is timeless.
Today, I want to share my own journey towards a better, healthier life — one filled with learning, acceptance, and hope. I share this not just to tell my story, but in the hope that it might help someone else take that first brave step toward healing.
Who am I?
I am a person who is insatiably curious. I want to know everything — to learn as much as I can, to read all the books I can, to ask all the questions I can. I blame it on my stars. After all, Sagittarians are the most curious of all the sun signs!
Being a Saggi, however, has also made me a little childlike and naïve. I see the world through rose-tinted glasses (or at least I did for the longest time) and can never fathom how people can hurt someone wilfully.
As I reflected on this, I began to wonder how my actions impacted others — especially my family and loved ones.
Realisation
It was only after my husband’s death, when I went into a terrible depression, that I started blaming myself and feeling guilty about everything I had done — wittingly or unwittingly — to hurt the people around me.
Why?
Immediately, my brain started asking, “Why? Why did I do those things? Why was I not aware of how they affected others? Why did I always want things my way? Why did I, even as an adult, sulk and get upset when things didn’t go my way?”
Seeking help
These questions, combined with the fact that I was spending most of my days alone with my thoughts, started me on a terrible downward spiral. I realised I needed professional help if I were to ever regain any semblance of calm in my life.
Visits to the psychiatrist and the tests conducted revealed that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — a serious mental health condition characterised by extreme mood swings and impulsive behaviour.
The fear
Being the curious cat that I am, I immediately read up everything I could find on the topic. Though I understood at some level that it was this illness that was responsible for many of my problems — the tantrums, the yelling, having no filter when I speak — I was still terrified and embarrassed by the diagnosis.
“Am I mad?” I wondered in fear. “Does having a mental illness make me mad?”
My embarrassment made me hide this diagnosis from everyone except my daughters. I started keeping more and more to myself because I didn’t want to meet anyone. What if they guessed my secret?
The truth
It took many sessions, countless tears, and long conversations with my daughters before I finally came to terms with my illness.
Today, I understand that it is just like a physical illness. I need my doctor, my meds, and my counsellor — and with their help, I can manage it. If only I had known about it earlier, it would have made such a difference. I would have been more aware of what I was doing and saying. It would have saved me — and others — from a lot of heartache.
Today
With treatment and counselling, I am actually living my best life!
I am writing more than ever before. I am intentionally going out and interacting with people. My classes are going great. Yes, I am in a good place — still a work in progress, but a happy one.
I can’t change the past, no matter how much I want to. So this year, I’m going to bravely talk about my illness and help others understand why I used to (and sometimes still do) behave in a certain way.
Yes, I am terrified that people will think I am “mad.” But courage isn’t the absence of fear — it’s speaking even when your voice trembles.
I need to share this to spread awareness of mental health issues, and to help people realise that there is help and hope. Maybe, just maybe, it will give someone the courage to seek help earlier — so they don’t have to carry the grief and guilt that I once did.
🌱 Author’s Note
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges, please reach out to a licensed therapist or a helpline. Seeking help is one of the bravest, most life-changing things you can do.
I’m quite surprised at the diagnosis, but I am very glad you’re taking care of yourself and that you let your daughters in so that they could understand you better. BPD is a tough one, and I agree with Anamika – your openness is courageous and may help others. Mental illness never deserved the stigma it has had for so very long.
Thank you, Holly. I am really blessed having supportive family, friends and professionals around to help me cope with this.
You are such a brave soul, Sunita. It takes real courage to seek help when you need it. And to now speak openly about your mental health journey is truly inspiring. As you said, mental illness is just like any physical ailment; it needs treatment and care without stigma. The more people share their experiences, the more others will feel encouraged to seek help.
Thanks Vinitha. I really hope it encourages people to be more open and seek help. Life is so much better with help.
Your journey has made you a channel to heal grief in others Sunita, like I was able to achieve a breakthrough after my father’s demise during your poetry workshop. Grateful to you forever more!
Thank you so much Gyana. I am glad I was able to help you in your time of grief.
Thanks for sharing Sunita. This does require courage!
Thank you Gopinath. It is important that we talk about these things so that others realise it is not a stigma, and they can get help to lead a better life.
You have been so courageous in writing this post and putting it out in public. It’s wonderful that you had the support of your daughters, who understood you first and foremost. Kudos to you for seeking help from professionals and choosing healing with such honesty. Your words will surely inspire others.
Thank you Anamika. I really hope it inspires others to reach out for help and get it.