Surviving As A Single Person

It’s been almost nine years since I lost my husband and I am still getting used to it. No, I don’t sit around crying all day, nor do I curse the fates that have taken him away from me. Emotionally I have accepted his death and absolutely believe he is in a better place.

What I am still struggling with is how things changed when I went from being part of a couple to being single. The strange thing is that my husband and I were separated for a while before he died, but we were still the best of friends. I could always count on him having my back and he knew I was there for him. In the eyes of friends and family we were still a couple. So it was really his death that made me single.

I did expect life to change now that he was no longer there but I was not prepared for the ways in which it changed.

Surviving As A Single Person

Suddenly friends stopped inviting me to their parties, and even my women friends seemed wary of me. It seemed as if my husband’s death had suddenly turned me into a femme fatale who had to be kept away from their men.

The other thing I realised was that over the years I had lost my own friends. Now all my friends were the wives of my late husband’s friends and now that he was not there those bonds disappeared with him.

Making Decisions alone

There were other ways my life began to change. Now I was the one who had to make all the decisions regarding finance, the kids, everything under the sun. There was no one to consult, or even fight with anymore.    And this can be extremely tiring and nerve racking.

No one to share chores with

Jerry and I had always shared chores. Even when we were separated, I knew I could call him to repair the geyser that was not working and he could count on me to get my maid to clean his house while he was on an extended work trip. Now there was no one. I had to do everything alone.

While I got used to the fact that he was not around any longer and took on the mantle of both mom and dad to my kids, I did not realise how exhausting it would be.

Until I almost burned out. It was only when I finally realised that I could not carry on like that, that I knew I had to bring about a few changes in the way I was carrying on.

Going Out More

I started going out more and meeting people. I made new friends and reconnected with some old ones. Today I have a core group of friends who are my backbone. They know me as me, not as someone’s wife. But Sunita with all her failings and all her good points and they love me for it.

Involving Kids In Decision Making

The other thing I did was to involve my kids in the decision making. Luckily they were grown up enough to understand and offer suggestions and opinions. This also brought us closer to each other.

Learning new things

The other thing I did was to start learning new things. I started writing again and joined a poetry group that met every month. It was terrifying in the beginning, but I soon found my spaces which had no memories of Jerry to haunt me. Right now I have joined a theatre course and am looking forward to performing on stage.

When I look at the mirror today, I no longer see the harried worn out woman who was trying to do everything by herself, but someone who is at peace with the world and herself.

Image by Goran Horvat from Pixabay